90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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