We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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