I wish I could punch you in the face.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
