I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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