you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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