it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
