I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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