My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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