i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
