Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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