farters have to be the big spoon...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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