just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
