Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
