Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize