Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
