So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
