i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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