Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
