I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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