I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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