whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
