I miss vodka workout Fridays
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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