I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
