I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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