I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm like, not good at living.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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