took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
