woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
