she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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