So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
