the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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