Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
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