Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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