I'm gonna have a badass scar
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize