I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
bring money and cleavage
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
