I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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