That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
