would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize