my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
