Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
