he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
