Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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