I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
