Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I intend to get homeless drunk
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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