Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
my liver is dry heaving
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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