I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
