How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
