I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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