Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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