she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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