my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
