my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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