happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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