I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
