I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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