There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
