im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
