So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
