put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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