made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize