At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
