Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
