It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
