I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize