I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
