Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
