My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
