Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
