life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
