thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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