I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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