I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
