everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
