good thing vaginas are great cup holders
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
