Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize